The blonde mop

Ok, so we've established that my parenting skills are somewhat um... unique. I have learned patience over the last twenty two years, but I've always had a limit. My Kelsie, the darling girl who truly has not caused me worry a day in her life, found Mama's limit one evening when she was about five years old.

It had been a trying day already, I was exhausted and frustrated (Caleb was three & Chance was one at the time, so exhaustion and frustration were the norm). We lived in a small house with only one bathroom (family of six) and the toilet in that bathroom was backed up...AGAIN. I was in there getting ready to go somewhere for the evening, running late, hadn't even picked up the babysitter yet, the cubs are arguing in the living room, and NOW I have to plunge the toilet...AGAIN!! I saw Kelsie's reflection in the mirror, her long blond hair flying behind her. She liked to hang out with her mom, the make up process was always fascinating to her. After I curled her ridiculously long eyelashes she got bored and started looking around for some other diversion.

"Hey Mom? What's wrong with the potty?" Aaarrgh, "Do you need to use it Hon?" "No, but why is the water so high?" "Well it's blocked up again by something," (I suspected the cubs were playing a game of "drown the action figure") "and Mommy hasn't had time to fix it" THEN I gave her what I PERSONALLY thought were very clear directions. I may have even spoken loudly to drive the point home..."Do NOT flush it Kelsie or it will flood this whole bathroom, Ok?" and as I turned to look at her, to show her just how very much I was NOT joking, she looked me square in the eye...and flushed that dang toilet!!! She then had the utter audacity to look SURPRISED when water began gushing out of it with a vengeance.

There are times in a mother's life when she loses control of the ability to reason or even be sensible. I stood there in shock, water pouring on to my stockinged feet, looking at this beautiful little hellion who singlehandedly turned her mother into a maniacal lunatic.

Well, I needed to get this water cleaned up right now!! I had places to go!! Let's see, what could I use to soak it up with? Oh I KNOW!! This pink sweatsuit should work quite nicely. Why is this pink sweatsuit squirming around so much? As soon as Kelsie's clothes and hair had absorbed all that they possibly could, I came back from my brief sojourn into insanity, picked her up and stuck her in a shower (very convenient), and went about the business of REALLY cleaning up. To her credit, she did not cry, scream or, if memory serves...say anything to me.

I'm not PROUD of my actions that night. You won't find "Use your child as a mop" as a positive parenting skill in ANY of those self help books. In my defense, it really did feel like an out of body experience. Those big blue eyes looking into mine as she defiantly flushed the toilet just made me snap. She wanted to see my reaction and BOY did she! Maybe "Use your child as a mop" SHOULD be in those parenting guides, because as I mentioned before... Kelsie has been a supremely model child ever since and I'm proud to be her insane Mama.