The blonde mop

Ok, so we've established that my parenting skills are somewhat um... unique. I have learned patience over the last twenty two years, but I've always had a limit. My Kelsie, the darling girl who truly has not caused me worry a day in her life, found Mama's limit one evening when she was about five years old.

It had been a trying day already, I was exhausted and frustrated (Caleb was three & Chance was one at the time, so exhaustion and frustration were the norm). We lived in a small house with only one bathroom (family of six) and the toilet in that bathroom was backed up...AGAIN. I was in there getting ready to go somewhere for the evening, running late, hadn't even picked up the babysitter yet, the cubs are arguing in the living room, and NOW I have to plunge the toilet...AGAIN!! I saw Kelsie's reflection in the mirror, her long blond hair flying behind her. She liked to hang out with her mom, the make up process was always fascinating to her. After I curled her ridiculously long eyelashes she got bored and started looking around for some other diversion.

"Hey Mom? What's wrong with the potty?" Aaarrgh, "Do you need to use it Hon?" "No, but why is the water so high?" "Well it's blocked up again by something," (I suspected the cubs were playing a game of "drown the action figure") "and Mommy hasn't had time to fix it" THEN I gave her what I PERSONALLY thought were very clear directions. I may have even spoken loudly to drive the point home..."Do NOT flush it Kelsie or it will flood this whole bathroom, Ok?" and as I turned to look at her, to show her just how very much I was NOT joking, she looked me square in the eye...and flushed that dang toilet!!! She then had the utter audacity to look SURPRISED when water began gushing out of it with a vengeance.

There are times in a mother's life when she loses control of the ability to reason or even be sensible. I stood there in shock, water pouring on to my stockinged feet, looking at this beautiful little hellion who singlehandedly turned her mother into a maniacal lunatic.

Well, I needed to get this water cleaned up right now!! I had places to go!! Let's see, what could I use to soak it up with? Oh I KNOW!! This pink sweatsuit should work quite nicely. Why is this pink sweatsuit squirming around so much? As soon as Kelsie's clothes and hair had absorbed all that they possibly could, I came back from my brief sojourn into insanity, picked her up and stuck her in a shower (very convenient), and went about the business of REALLY cleaning up. To her credit, she did not cry, scream or, if memory serves...say anything to me.

I'm not PROUD of my actions that night. You won't find "Use your child as a mop" as a positive parenting skill in ANY of those self help books. In my defense, it really did feel like an out of body experience. Those big blue eyes looking into mine as she defiantly flushed the toilet just made me snap. She wanted to see my reaction and BOY did she! Maybe "Use your child as a mop" SHOULD be in those parenting guides, because as I mentioned before... Kelsie has been a supremely model child ever since and I'm proud to be her insane Mama.

My kid the Escape artist

Today is Kolby's 22nd birthday, so it's only right that I write some about him... come back with me... (insert eerie flashback music and affects here)

Time; 20 yrs ago, Place; Satan's Bellybutton, the biggest, hottest city in Arizona...Phoenix. Birthplace of one Kolby Carver. (birthplace of one Kelsie Carver too, but this ain't her story).

Kolby could do NO wrong in his Mama's eyes the kid was perfect in every way. He was extraordinarily beautiful, he was smart, he was an ANGEL! He was also the busiest little punk on the planet!! The first time this busyness became truly alarming was after Kolby got his "big boy bed". It never occurred to me that although his crib was a "little boy bed", it was also a highly effective CAGE!

One afternoon I put him down for a nap and sat down to watch one of the 3 soap operas I was addicted to at the time, and fold some laundry. I was just about to find out if Timothy was married to the twin sister he was separated from in infancy on "As the Stomach Turns" when there was a knock on my door. It was the neighbor across the courtyard from us coming for a visit evidently. She was holding the hand of an absolutely DARLING little boy. I answered the door with a smile and she says promptly "Is this your baby?". Well, I give the kid a sideways courtesy glance, but of course it's not my baby. MY baby is asleep in his room. Now her kid is hugging my leg...friendly little guy. I look kindly down at him. HOLY CRAP!! This IS my kid!!

Turns out the little monkey started building himself an architecturally sound ladder under his window as soon as I closed his door for nap time. He got high enough, opened said window, climbed OUT of it, hung down from the sill, and DROPPED a good 4 feet to the ground. Now mind you this is a 2 year old who is barely forming complete sentences. Thank GOODNESS we lived in a ground floor apartment!! Thank goodness also that this neighbor happened by and SAW the great escape, who KNOWS what could have happened! After that I went out and bought a window lock so he would NOT be pulling that stunt again. How terrifying (not to mention embarrassing).

Very shortly after this little incident I began to leave his father in charge in the evenings because I had to work. He was aware of the window debacle and rolled his eyes as I told him again to keep a wary eye on this little boy. So I went off to work that evening thinking everything was under control. Uh huh...

When I got home late that night I found my husband waiting up for me and looking rather sheepish. Turns out that shortly after I left, he (the husband) fell asleep on the couch. Kolby's window was locked, but guess what!? The door wasn't! Monte wakes up to a knock similar to the one I had heard a few days previous. But it's not a concerned neighbor lady for him...nope. It's the cops. "Sir, is this your baby?" Kolby had opened the door, squeezed through, and closed it quietly so as not to awaken his daddy. Such a thoughtful little dude. I guess another neighbor (obviously not the one who knew where he belonged) called the police with a lost & found baby case.

Needless to say I was UBER irked with my husband for sleeping on the job, but from then on that little maggot was escaping every chance he got. I could not leave the room...EVER!!

My husband thought he'd vindicate himself one night and brought home 100 yards of nylon rope. You guessed it, his plan was to tether my child. He tied one end to the leg of the couch, and the other end around Kolby's waist. I was MORTIFIED!! What in the heck would the neighbors think?!? I went into the kitchen barking mad and Monte followed me to try and defend his idea. I came back out with plates...and Kolb was gone. I went and picked up the rope on the floor and began to reel in my son. Hmmm, not such a bad idea after all!

I'm so proud!

I can count on one hand the times I have taken all of my kids to Wal-Mart at the same time. Cuz EVERytime I did I ended up regretting it sorely and SWEARing on all that was Holy that I wouldn't do it again.

One such day, when I was obviously not thinking clearly, I decided to take them all with me just for funsies. We were doing pretty well...had two hanging onto one side of the cart, two hanging onto the other side, and one sitting in the little seat. (on a side note, it takes an extremely long time to break kids of the hanging on habit...my 19 year old still hangs onto the cart when we go shopping. Drives me nuts). The two oldest were helping me look for items, and the bearcubs (Caleb & Chance) had yet to begin brawling in the middle of the aisle so I was counting my lucky stars.

Well, I was lured into a false sense of security and began to let my eyes stray from the crew for more than 5 seconds at a time and THAT'S when he made his move!! 7 yr old Caleb disappeared into thin air! Alright, no need to panic...I sent Kelsie to look for him in the toy department, Kolby went to electronics, and I took the two youngest to the candy aisle. No Caleb. Well he's NOT stupid, he KNOWS not to talk to strangers, we'll just broaden our search. Let's see, sporting goods (he likes guns), and cereal (the sugary crap I never buy them). NOTHING!! Starting to panic!!

We are now settling down for a good old fashioned quadrant search (I SWEAR on ALL that's holy I am NEVER bringing them all with me ANYwhere EVER aGAIN!!!). Kelsie took the front/right of the store, Kolby; front/left, and I took the back with my two assistants.

I was really starting to freak out when Kolby comes trucking up with Caleb, whom he found sitting amongst the candy up by the registers (FRICK! Forgot about THAT candy!). 12 year old Kolby was quite proud of himself for saving the day. "He was sitting right there eating a Snickers Mom, so I said 'CALEB, Mom is SOOO mad right now! Finish that, and let's GO!!'" I stopped short, wondering if this would be a good time to lecture on stealing, honesty, gluttony, and being a good example to your little brother...or just grab all five of them, leave the cart where it is and just get the bloody heck OUT of there!! Did I say five? Where on earth is Kelsie!?!?