Thursday, February 07, 2008 (The day Kolby left me)

19 years and this is where it is?
No "thank you" no hug good-bye.
Having a great time with him this morning
only to be blind-sided by him tonight.
What did I do? What didn't I do?
I remember yesterday when he was a baby.
He was the most perfect of all God's creations.
Big beautiful brown eyes that looked to me for guidance.
They looked to me for everything.
When they filled with tears I could kiss or tickle them away.
Now my blue eyes are filled with tears.
Where's my kiss?
Did someone tell me that being a mom could hurt this bad?
If they did, I surely would have remembered.
How did this person that he's known for a few years,
become more of an influence than the person who has adored him his whole life?
It doesn't seem fair.
What should I have done?
What shouldn't I have done?
All of a sudden nothing else matters.
The problems that are always floating through my head.
My brown eyed baby left me.
My heart is in pieces.
How do I tell his baby sister that her hero is gone?
He didn't care to tell her good bye either.
I guess I concentrate on my other four babies.
But now I'll be uncertain.
Second guessing myself.
What should I do? What shouldn't I do?