The blonde mop

Ok, so we've established that my parenting skills are somewhat um... unique. I have learned patience over the last twenty two years, but I've always had a limit. My Kelsie, the darling girl who truly has not caused me worry a day in her life, found Mama's limit one evening when she was about five years old.

It had been a trying day already, I was exhausted and frustrated (Caleb was three & Chance was one at the time, so exhaustion and frustration were the norm). We lived in a small house with only one bathroom (family of six) and the toilet in that bathroom was backed up...AGAIN. I was in there getting ready to go somewhere for the evening, running late, hadn't even picked up the babysitter yet, the cubs are arguing in the living room, and NOW I have to plunge the toilet...AGAIN!! I saw Kelsie's reflection in the mirror, her long blond hair flying behind her. She liked to hang out with her mom, the make up process was always fascinating to her. After I curled her ridiculously long eyelashes she got bored and started looking around for some other diversion.

"Hey Mom? What's wrong with the potty?" Aaarrgh, "Do you need to use it Hon?" "No, but why is the water so high?" "Well it's blocked up again by something," (I suspected the cubs were playing a game of "drown the action figure") "and Mommy hasn't had time to fix it" THEN I gave her what I PERSONALLY thought were very clear directions. I may have even spoken loudly to drive the point home..."Do NOT flush it Kelsie or it will flood this whole bathroom, Ok?" and as I turned to look at her, to show her just how very much I was NOT joking, she looked me square in the eye...and flushed that dang toilet!!! She then had the utter audacity to look SURPRISED when water began gushing out of it with a vengeance.

There are times in a mother's life when she loses control of the ability to reason or even be sensible. I stood there in shock, water pouring on to my stockinged feet, looking at this beautiful little hellion who singlehandedly turned her mother into a maniacal lunatic.

Well, I needed to get this water cleaned up right now!! I had places to go!! Let's see, what could I use to soak it up with? Oh I KNOW!! This pink sweatsuit should work quite nicely. Why is this pink sweatsuit squirming around so much? As soon as Kelsie's clothes and hair had absorbed all that they possibly could, I came back from my brief sojourn into insanity, picked her up and stuck her in a shower (very convenient), and went about the business of REALLY cleaning up. To her credit, she did not cry, scream or, if memory serves...say anything to me.

I'm not PROUD of my actions that night. You won't find "Use your child as a mop" as a positive parenting skill in ANY of those self help books. In my defense, it really did feel like an out of body experience. Those big blue eyes looking into mine as she defiantly flushed the toilet just made me snap. She wanted to see my reaction and BOY did she! Maybe "Use your child as a mop" SHOULD be in those parenting guides, because as I mentioned before... Kelsie has been a supremely model child ever since and I'm proud to be her insane Mama.

My kid the Escape artist

Today is Kolby's 22nd birthday, so it's only right that I write some about him... come back with me... (insert eerie flashback music and affects here)

Time; 20 yrs ago, Place; Satan's Bellybutton, the biggest, hottest city in Arizona...Phoenix. Birthplace of one Kolby Carver. (birthplace of one Kelsie Carver too, but this ain't her story).

Kolby could do NO wrong in his Mama's eyes the kid was perfect in every way. He was extraordinarily beautiful, he was smart, he was an ANGEL! He was also the busiest little punk on the planet!! The first time this busyness became truly alarming was after Kolby got his "big boy bed". It never occurred to me that although his crib was a "little boy bed", it was also a highly effective CAGE!

One afternoon I put him down for a nap and sat down to watch one of the 3 soap operas I was addicted to at the time, and fold some laundry. I was just about to find out if Timothy was married to the twin sister he was separated from in infancy on "As the Stomach Turns" when there was a knock on my door. It was the neighbor across the courtyard from us coming for a visit evidently. She was holding the hand of an absolutely DARLING little boy. I answered the door with a smile and she says promptly "Is this your baby?". Well, I give the kid a sideways courtesy glance, but of course it's not my baby. MY baby is asleep in his room. Now her kid is hugging my leg...friendly little guy. I look kindly down at him. HOLY CRAP!! This IS my kid!!

Turns out the little monkey started building himself an architecturally sound ladder under his window as soon as I closed his door for nap time. He got high enough, opened said window, climbed OUT of it, hung down from the sill, and DROPPED a good 4 feet to the ground. Now mind you this is a 2 year old who is barely forming complete sentences. Thank GOODNESS we lived in a ground floor apartment!! Thank goodness also that this neighbor happened by and SAW the great escape, who KNOWS what could have happened! After that I went out and bought a window lock so he would NOT be pulling that stunt again. How terrifying (not to mention embarrassing).

Very shortly after this little incident I began to leave his father in charge in the evenings because I had to work. He was aware of the window debacle and rolled his eyes as I told him again to keep a wary eye on this little boy. So I went off to work that evening thinking everything was under control. Uh huh...

When I got home late that night I found my husband waiting up for me and looking rather sheepish. Turns out that shortly after I left, he (the husband) fell asleep on the couch. Kolby's window was locked, but guess what!? The door wasn't! Monte wakes up to a knock similar to the one I had heard a few days previous. But it's not a concerned neighbor lady for him...nope. It's the cops. "Sir, is this your baby?" Kolby had opened the door, squeezed through, and closed it quietly so as not to awaken his daddy. Such a thoughtful little dude. I guess another neighbor (obviously not the one who knew where he belonged) called the police with a lost & found baby case.

Needless to say I was UBER irked with my husband for sleeping on the job, but from then on that little maggot was escaping every chance he got. I could not leave the room...EVER!!

My husband thought he'd vindicate himself one night and brought home 100 yards of nylon rope. You guessed it, his plan was to tether my child. He tied one end to the leg of the couch, and the other end around Kolby's waist. I was MORTIFIED!! What in the heck would the neighbors think?!? I went into the kitchen barking mad and Monte followed me to try and defend his idea. I came back out with plates...and Kolb was gone. I went and picked up the rope on the floor and began to reel in my son. Hmmm, not such a bad idea after all!

I'm so proud!

I can count on one hand the times I have taken all of my kids to Wal-Mart at the same time. Cuz EVERytime I did I ended up regretting it sorely and SWEARing on all that was Holy that I wouldn't do it again.

One such day, when I was obviously not thinking clearly, I decided to take them all with me just for funsies. We were doing pretty well...had two hanging onto one side of the cart, two hanging onto the other side, and one sitting in the little seat. (on a side note, it takes an extremely long time to break kids of the hanging on habit...my 19 year old still hangs onto the cart when we go shopping. Drives me nuts). The two oldest were helping me look for items, and the bearcubs (Caleb & Chance) had yet to begin brawling in the middle of the aisle so I was counting my lucky stars.

Well, I was lured into a false sense of security and began to let my eyes stray from the crew for more than 5 seconds at a time and THAT'S when he made his move!! 7 yr old Caleb disappeared into thin air! Alright, no need to panic...I sent Kelsie to look for him in the toy department, Kolby went to electronics, and I took the two youngest to the candy aisle. No Caleb. Well he's NOT stupid, he KNOWS not to talk to strangers, we'll just broaden our search. Let's see, sporting goods (he likes guns), and cereal (the sugary crap I never buy them). NOTHING!! Starting to panic!!

We are now settling down for a good old fashioned quadrant search (I SWEAR on ALL that's holy I am NEVER bringing them all with me ANYwhere EVER aGAIN!!!). Kelsie took the front/right of the store, Kolby; front/left, and I took the back with my two assistants.

I was really starting to freak out when Kolby comes trucking up with Caleb, whom he found sitting amongst the candy up by the registers (FRICK! Forgot about THAT candy!). 12 year old Kolby was quite proud of himself for saving the day. "He was sitting right there eating a Snickers Mom, so I said 'CALEB, Mom is SOOO mad right now! Finish that, and let's GO!!'" I stopped short, wondering if this would be a good time to lecture on stealing, honesty, gluttony, and being a good example to your little brother...or just grab all five of them, leave the cart where it is and just get the bloody heck OUT of there!! Did I say five? Where on earth is Kelsie!?!?

Mineral deposit

I was eating lunch with my Mama and Auntie a few days ago, lamenting my dementia and the fact that I love to write in here, but can never think of anything to write about. My mother was kind enough to bring back a wonderful memory for me. Something that any OTHER Mama would be remiss to forget! And yet...I forget.

For Caleb's 6th birthday I decided it would be fun to get him a CTR ring (for anyone not educated in "Mormon" lingo, "CTR" stands for "Choose The Right". Kind of our version of "WWJD"). Not those narsty lil ones they give out at church that chip green paint, turn one's finger green, or deliver a wicked blood blister if someone squeezes your hand too hard. I went to "FarWest" and bought him a nice little sterling silver one with a blue (his favorite color) ceramic inlay. Very COOL looking ring for a 6 year old!

He wore it with pride and enjoyed having something on his hand that his classmates asked him about (the very purpose of a good "CTR" ring!). Lil CJ wore his new ring without incident for a good 2 weeks before I got the call...The call came from the school nurse one afternoon, (those calls always make a mom's heart stop).

According to the Nurse my little guy went to wash his hands in the class sink, and not wanting his ring to get wet (you know, I've never understood that. Who gives a rip if the ring gets wet? Unless it's one of those horrifying cheap tin rings), he tried to take off his ring. It was not easily removed (for his mama is AWESOME, and had it sized perfectly) so he proceeded to put his finger in his mouth and, using his teeth as some sort of plier-like device pryed the ring off of his finger. His teacher noticed that his hands were yet unwashed and his face was red, his blue eyes huge.

"Um...you okay Caleb?" she asks with concern. "No, I just swallowed my ring" he replies with...well, concern. This is where the nurse comes into the story and gives Mom a heart attack.

Let's see, this is my 3rd child...2 kids after psycho, overprotective, helicopter mom...and 2 kids BEFORE completely exhausted, "if you're not spurting blood, STIFLE!" mom. SOOO, I did call the doctor, but did NOT take him to the Emergency Room. Sadly, the doc did choose to inconvenience me by sending us to the Imaging Clinic for an x-ray. Frankly, I'm not certain that she just didn't want a picture of something interesting to show at the next Doctor's Bunco tournament.

The X-ray WAS very interesting to look at. A perfect little CTR ring (yes, it was quite evident what kind of ring it was) all settled in his stomach. So now I have the doctor wondering what we should do. Do we give him ipecac and have him throw it up? Yeah, lets try that!

Ipecac is evidently best used when one wants to hurl up something that weighs LESS than .4 oz.

Her next idea? Bread...feed the kid lots of bread and push that ring right on out!! Um excuse me Doc? Exactly how are we to know if the ring has extricated from it's current location? Uh huh...Say what now??

I mentioned that this is my 3rd child, not my 1st right? I stopped having to see that particular bi-product of THIS particular kid 4 & 1/2 years ago!!

Needless to say, although I love Caleb sooooooo very much, I have no physical evidence that his ring ever left his system. I'm only hoping that a sewer system somewhere in Pasco is "Choosing the Right!"

"Can we go the fun way?"

Saturday little McKenna and I were coming home after running a few errands. We had a few bags of groceries in the car and I was tired. As we stopped at the light there on Rd 100 & Chapel Hill, she turned to me and said "can we go the fun way Mom?". There are several ways to get to our house from where we were. I tend to choose the one that is shortest and straightest the most calm and unexciting. The "fun way" I liken to a dirt road roller coaster.

When my Mac asked to go "the fun way" I immediately said the most logical thing imaginable... "no Baby, we have groceries back there, let's just go the normal way". But then I glanced at my sweet little girl (who EXPECTED that very answer from her super boring Mama) and I thought to myself "She is getting so big, how much longer will a simple change in routes be exciting to her?".

So just to emphasize my sudden change of heart I accelerated Big Blue a little more than necessary and barreled on straight through the light instead of turning right like we do for Logical Lane, Reasonable Route, Sensible Street...

Her eyes lit up as we turned onto Fun Way, I sped Ol' Blue up and he rewarded us with his thundering, rumbling, Big Bad @$$, muffler's a mess, engine roar. We came to that steep dirt hill and went tearing down it with no thought of slowing down. I glanced at her again and saw a huge grin as she was defying gravity, nothing but a seatbelt keeping her tethered to earth, her hair looking as if she was in suspended animation. I'm always grateful that Big Blue is made out of a half ton of Detroit steel when we take this way because I swear if it were any other car, we'd flip that sucker coming up the smaller hill on a bit of an angle, my superior driving skills notwithstanding...

We pulled into the driveway and as my little Punkin began to gladly gather up the groceries (canned goods under all the seats, bread up on the dashboard) I decided that I DON'T need to take Logical Lane all the time. What harm is there in going "the fun way"? We still reach our destination! And the joy of a happy, laughing little face far outweighs the inconvenience of catching a head of lettuce as it rolls out the back door!

Back in Time

Well, I'm back home after the much anticipated 25th class reunion for LVHS's class of '85. I've had a hard time sleeping the last few nights because I knew I wanted to write about this adventure while it was still fresh in my mind. Visions of poignant memories and lovely witticisms were floating through my head. Do you think I can come up with any of those heartwarming sentiments now?!

Lander, WY. The town that I've loved and held such fond memories of for decades now. Going to Lander IS going home for me. The best friends I've ever had, I made there. I fell in love for the very first time in that little town. My very first anguished heartbreak happened in Lander. I guess Lander is home because that is where most of my rites of passage occurred. My mother and I were comparing notes on my beloved town. I remembered the beauty, the mountains, the Sinks, Red Canyon...she remembers the wind, the snow drifts, the cold weather, and according to her...cold people too. I guess I DID pick up on the "if you weren't born here, you're not as good as us" mentality in some people. Luckily, the friends that I made thought I was ok even if I DID come from Alaska, or Nevada, or Sheridan (plus more ;p ). Coming from so many different places, Lander was the first place I lived for more than 2 years. Yet another reason I felt I had finally found a home.

This reunion was a flashback for me. My dear friends though older, wiser, and accomplished in life, are the same people they were when we were kids.

There's the leader. The girl I would follow into Hell if she told me to. Smarter than me, so very confident, she knew from birth what she was going to do with her life and she DID it!! She always had my admiration and endless devotion.

Then there was the dear mother figure of the group. She worried (still worries) about all of us. She thought of everyone else more than herself. Perhaps this caring quality is the reason she chose the profession of teacher. I know she'd take a stand between me and danger without a thought, and I hope she knows I'd do the same for her.

There's the local girl who married a local boy. We had our ups and downs but when push came to shove, nobody was ever kinder to me. I couldn't have lived without her loving nature.

My other local girl...she was the All American. A musician and a jock, completely fun to be around and so very easy going. Hanging out with her was like walking on the Oregon Coast. Cool, breezy, completely relaxing.

I was...still am perhaps, the follower. Happy to be accepted, happy to feel like I belonged. Tried to make sure everyone got along. Wanted to be liked and tried hard not to make waves.

What we've decided about our unholy alliance...we may not always like each other, but we DO always love each other, and hell hath no fury like we will if you mess with one of our girls!!

This reunion was fun, silly, and enlightening. Seeing old friends who have grown in wisdom & maturity, yet they are the exact same people I left 25 years ago.

The sweet boys I dated back then look exactly the same to me today. They still have the mischievous grins of their youth, and their eyes still twinkle. But now those eyes are also filled with the wisdom and experience 25 years of love, laughter, pain, family,careers etc. have given them.

This has been such a wonderful gift for me in other ways. I have found again, and love dearly, some wonderful people that had slipped away from me through the years.

My sweet best friend who's heart is bigger than the Wind Rivers. Always time for those who need him. I'm so happy his true love is bringing him back to this side of the country!! ;]

Our darling, "most shy" boy who I found once more a few months ago. I tried to get to know him in High School, but he wasn't ready then. So glad he's giving me the chance to disrupt his serene life now!

Last but not least, my new little sister. I am so in love with my adorable "blood" sisters and am so protective of them... I'm elated to have another little sis (and you actually look more like me than they do) ;] Thank you Angel for all you do. You've truly walked a mile or two in my shoes.

I came home (to Pasco)a little dazed and feeling somewhat inadequate in my life. ALL of these friends are educated, professional, intelligent people who have grabbed life by the horns in one way or another and wrestled that sucker to the ground. What have I done? What have I accomplished? Then I walked into my home where I was embraced fiercely by 4 of my 5 Angel children. They missed their Mama. It hit me like one of those gale force winds from my little home town. I might not be a professional person, I never got my degree. I might be a second rate wife, I may be a mediocre person as a whole...but I'm a great mommy. I love and give every ounce of who I am to my sweet kids. They love me unconditionally and that's worth everything to me.